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Room to Grow

by Everender

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  • Digital Album
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    CD is enclosed in a lightweight jacket, with front and back art. Limited run of 100 copies.

    Album art by yocholol

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1.
It is how I loved you that will supersede the separation of my soul from my bones; that will bind the light between space and time in the ethereal heartbeat that I felt with my head against your chest. A resonance singing like a chorus of lives you have lived; a testament to the joy you have felt, and the love you have dealt. Wrapping my fingers in the locks of your hair as if they were meant to keep me bound to you in an unspoken contract of understanding and compassion. A suicide pact meant to kill the loneliness of our exclusive existences, now a collective of experiences and emotions. I hope you hold my regard for you as tightly as you hold me to you, and as I wish with both; oh god, as I wish with both, you never let me go. Don't ever let me go.
2.
A World Away 02:30
You carried a burden of love and of loss; The greatest depression, And I felt it burn like the scars in your sleeve. You’ll never be more, Than a world away from me. I always saw you as the others did, With ignorance, And never really stepped inside your head. I felt no permanence; A part of you, You’d wished you could forget. But I guess that’s life, And I’m sorry that I never really tried; I thought I'd had enough time. But it’s clear to me that things, Were never really as they seemed. It’s all just a waking dream. Will we be remembered, At the end of our days? Or like a sun-stricken image, Will it all fade away with time? A vanishing life. You carried a burden of love and of loss; The greatest depression, And I felt it burn like the scars in your sleeve. You’ll never be more, Than a world away from me. You carried a burden of love and of loss; The greatest depression, And I felt it burn like the scars in your sleeve. You’ll never be more, Than a world away.
3.
Hostage 02:55
I am a hostage in my own mind. And through rose-colored eyes, I ignored all the signs. So it’s you and I, And anything to bring this back to life. Am I a fool for wishful thinking, When all I know just fades to black? Am I a slave to the nostalgia? Am I convinced I’ll get it back? I can’t help it if you left me bitter; Killed the light I tried to see. Maybe it’s the feeling like I’ve tried and tried, And never got the chance to speak. I can’t help it, If my heart will let me down again; A photo-finish fitting end. I can’t help it if “I’m sorry” is not enough. I swear to god I’m feeling empty; The part of me you held onto. But I found room to grow, Where my heart used to hold you. Was it an honest mistake? It’s too late now to save face. Was it an honest mistake? It’s too late now to save face.
4.
I let it burn like the porch light; A fading sight in a dark night. You felt it once or twice, But it never could keep you warm. At least not for enough time. Windows down on the drive home. It’s not the same when I’m alone. I felt the fraying ties, And hoped that it would change for me. It’s all wishful thinking. Is it this panic that you can’t shake? Do you only feel it when your heart breaks? If I could pull at your heartstrings, And make you feel safe, Maybe we'd still have a love left to save. You kept this; What a mess it was, To pull this home from the foundation, And tear it down. You were the part of me, I thought I had outgrew. It’s the fear of falling through the cracks, That’ll lead me back to you. What a mess it was. What a mess it was. Is it this panic that you can’t shake? Do you only feel it when your heart breaks? If I could pull at your heartstrings, And make you feel safe, Maybe we'd still have love. Is it some burden that you can’t hold? Dive into the unknown with eyes closed. Give me a chance to come up for air. Keep me close in your heart, And I swear that I’ll be there.
5.
Captive 02:52
I’ve been a little off balance lately. Maybe it’s the caffeine, Or maybe the weight you put on me. I’ve been feeling naïve; Or at least that’s what you’d like it to be. My heart is captive in your presence; Oh, how I wish it would let me leave. But do you feel the same? Sever threads, And leave nothing left to cling to. Wondering if there was something more, I could have done to convince you, Cause I’ve been running circles, I hope I never hear your name. But do you feel the same? I’m a little bit of “something better”, Some acceptable weather, When you wanted to cry in the rain. Use my words to make a subtle change, Until my voice feels strained, From all the thoughts that keep me up all night. Silence is gold, When you're too tired to fight. Hold my tongue ‘til the morning light. Do you feel the same? I’ll never be what you wanted me to. I could try to change, But really, what’s the use? You’re dead-set on the impact; A thrill, but it can’t last. I guess I know now, What it means to feel the same.
6.
Hope 03:01
I feel the gravity of everything, Bury me with a weight I couldn’t carry. I felt it helpless on my own. When I lose myself in this fever dream, It scares me more than anything. How could I shift the blame? How could I still feel safe? It’s hope; do you feel it? Is it something you say, That makes it all worth it, In all of the suffering and loss? 'Cause I'm beginning to fall off. I’ve seen the better days. I watched them fall away. There has to be a silver lining, Or at least that’s what I’m told. Oh, what I’d give to just let go of this. To lose the fear and gain the confidence, 'Cause I’m no longer in control, And we’re hand in hand as we face the end. I’ll leave this world as it left me; Bitter and haunting — I can’t escape the fact, That this is how I’ll be. I’ve not even the memories, All fleeting, without me. Left with nothing more, Than just an endless sleep. I’d pull out my heart, And drain the air from my lungs, If it meant that we could just be done, With the pain and this distance. Can we even fucking fix this? Nothing more than endless sleep.
7.
The suns sets out west; Tints the color of your eyes. I swear, one day, I'll stay, But it’s all in due time. I looked to your overgrown garden, And saw you’d made a home; You built a life from bricks and loneliness. They’d left you for dead, A casualty of misery. I watched as your spite, Brought a wounded deer back to his feet. I was hoping one day, You could help me back to mine. And I, I wanna know that I can die here in peace; That there is still a world out there for me. That I won’t be tied down, By the weight of my grief. I sought you out in safety; Happenstance of unity, And never would have thought, Of the comfort that could bring to me. I lose myself in every moment, Before you say goodbye. Know that I never meant, To cause you to lose confidence. I share in your hallowed chest, Where’s the optimist in me? When it was all on the line, And you needed it most? And I, I wanna know that I can die here in peace; That there is still a world out there for me. That I won’t be tied down, By the weight of my grief. And I, I wanna be there when all of this ends. I wanna see you there, And take your hand. I just hope that you feel, The way we did when we began. You sought out the answers, To all of your questions, With faith in nothing more than, Well-intentioned misdirection. I felt it tearing at the seams; The threads you tied to me, Are wearing thin. Will you ever pull me in again? And I, I wanna know that I can die here in peace; That there is still a world out there for me. That I won’t be tied down, By the weight of my grief. And I, I wanna die in that garden we’ve grown. In the frigid air and falling snow. I’ll take you with me, Wherever I may roam.
8.
Evergreen 03:32
I know it's probably sentimental, But I always miss the way, You used to smile in the morning, As we faced the coming day. It’s the pulling through; “I gotta prove” to give to someone else. I hope you never miss the feeling; I hope you never lose yourself. It’s been a while, Since I woke up in your mother’s house, And made my bed. I hope the healing got easier, After I left. Maybe it’s a point of view I wasn’t used to. Maybe it was learning how to lose. On the day we crashed your car, I swear I felt your spirit change. The way the years had caught up to you; I watched that smile fade away. Maybe it’s different now. Maybe he got you out, Like I never could. I hope I’m someone you think about. Since I woke up in your mother’s house, And made my bed. I hope the healing got easier, After I left. Maybe it’s a point of view I wasn’t used to. Maybe it was learning how to lose. Heard you break down on the phone, After he knocked you out. You said “I can’t help but love him”, But I have my doubts. Hate that I walked away; Wish I would have stayed, But I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay. The world is this worst-case color scheme; This grayscale path laid in front of me. I’ve already seen what I need to be. I’ve found a peace in your reverie. But I don’t think I’ll see you again. Maybe it’s all for amends, But I hope your kids know, The pain you had to outgrow. Since I woke up in your mother’s house, And made my bed. I hope the healing got easier, After I left. Maybe it’s a point of view I wasn’t used to. Maybe it was learning how to lose. Driving home from the fur con; Said I was gay. You swore that you’d treat me, No other way. Nicki Minaj on the radio; Kids with no place to call home. I’ll always hold that moment close.
9.
I think I’ll leave the light on; Makes me feel less alone, When I look at this empty home. I know it’s not forever, But even the temporary distance, Pulls my heart into my stomach. I can't believe this is what I wanted, But all I want now, Is to feel the warmth of you. Take one last breath, Before I fall again. I don’t think I’ve ever known a love like this. Like ships in the night, We hold on for a moment; But a moment locked in time. I know it’s all in my head, But I’m seeing patterns in the passing lights. I’ve given all I can do, And I’m so thankful to know you. I never knew who I was; And I’m still not sure, But you showed me who I could become. I can’t help but think that I gave this up. What I’d do to be alone with you; To reignite and see this through. It’s all I can do. I know it’s all in my head, But I’m seeing patterns in the passing lights. I know it's all in my head. I know it's all in my head. I’ve given all I can do. I’ve given all I can.
10.
Clarity 03:34
I’ve written enough about long gone things; It doesn’t feel like they’re part of me. Did I find what I’d been missing, Or was I really too blind to see? Everything that I left unsaid, Will be an echo that I have to live with. All the restless thoughts in my head, Will have to cope with the distance. I spent my days stuck in the past; Guess there’s no harm in looking back. Got my affairs all in order, Took stock of my life, Now it’s time to move forward. It’s getting hard to see what’s in front of me. But I’ve got clear eyes, all clarity. You gave me something to believe in. And it’s you, it’s you, It’s always been you. I know losing it all, Is what scares you most, So I’ll hold you close. In my head, in my heart, There’s no time spent apart, That'll make me think back on, Everything that I left unsaid, Will be an echo that I have to live with. All the restless thoughts in my head, Will have to cope with the distance. I’m feeling something more in my chest. I’m growing more and regretting less; It’s like the tides finally turned for me. It's getting hard to see what’s in front of me. But I’ve got clear eyes, all clarity. You gave me something to believe in. It’s always been you.

about

If I died tomorrow, this record would be everything I wanted and needed to say to this world. I'm thankful to have the words.

credits

released November 11, 2022

Recorded in Aomori, Japan

Everything by Keziah Roether.

Art by @yocholol

For you, Matthew. Thank you for giving me room to grow.

For my family, my friends, and friends that became my family. Thank you for keeping me here long enough to make this record happen.

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Everender Tucson, Arizona

2018 - forever.

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auralalliance.page

mgmt/booking:
kez@roether.co

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