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Grief Counseling

by Everender

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Vela_Aurelia64
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Vela_Aurelia64 Warmth ripped out of your chest, wandering while wondering how the hell you ended up here - that's what this captures. Rage, pure incredulous loss, the weight of expectations from without and within. Trying to let go with equal parts anger and apology. All with a voice that goes the whole range, beautiful and strained. This hits fucking hard. Thank you for being here. Favorite track: Overburdened.
Koze
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Koze Each track in this deeply personal album felt like a differing emotional scar screaming it’s story in an beautiful, yet mournful way. The instrumentals accompanying Kez’s vocals were so raw but purposeful, and the softer arrangements felt bittersweet. This felt like a privilege to listen from the first track to last, and I hope my trans siblings can feel the raw power here and make it their own too. <3 Favorite track: No Perfect Place to Die.
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1.
Maybe in another life I'll see an end to all this suffering Maybe in a different light My eyes will settle and stop adjusting Nurse my wounds Sewn shut at the sight of you Feel the burn in my lungs Barely pulling through Feel the weight of your hatred and dread. I won't let you take me I'd rather be dead I'd rather be dead I’d rather stand up on my own two feet Let my spite fight and carry me To a better existence I won't beg for your warmth again I won’t smile and make amends I let your venom erode What little hope I had left Deceptions, so desperate In all your attempts To leave your mark inside my head I won't let you take me I'd rather be dead I’d rather be dead
2.
Overburdened 02:13
I let you go in a lucid dream I guess my heart is stronger When I’m asleep We’ve hit the aftermath After all that’s passed It was a shot worth taking I wanna see the world through your eyes I wanna feel how it feels to be alive I wanna hear the words you said Echo in my head Over and over again I’ll never forget the day you left Or the weeks that followed after that I was holding on; so rightly wrong And just hoping you would call me back But time provides closure And I’m sure that you know That there’s a life that you made here And you still have a home with me I’m saying “I’m sorry” For the way this all worked out It’s in the pride I swallowed You took a path that I can’t follow Its all I can do No longer afraid to lose you You can’t take back what you never said And you cannot miss What you left instead I wanna forget the day you left And the weeks that followed after that I’m still holding on; I know it’s wrong I’m just hoping that you’ll take me back But time provides closure And I’m sure that you know That there’s a life that you made here And you still have a home with me I’m saying “I’m sorry” For the way this all worked out It’s in the pride I swallowed You took a path that I can’t follow
3.
Spite 03:20
Say it with a straight face A proper prose in broken pace You blur the lines with words divine But never the right time or place Never thought I knew you At least enough to hold true To sever the conviction And carry the weight on my own Maybe I just can’t get over it Hurting me in ways so permanent Maybe I’m just meant to call it quits To turn my feet and run Cruel as you could be To spite my name Never thought that I would share the blame Grieving over all my wasted days When all is said and done I’ll turn my feet and run Your presence ever lingering A holy ghost still haunting me I gave my best to something That I’m never getting back Don’t know what else to do My mind alight; my heart subdued There’s no getting over you But I know that I have to Maybe I just can’t get over it Hurting me in ways so permanent Maybe I’m just meant to call it quits To turn my feet and run Cruel as you could be To spite my name Never thought that I would share the blame Grieving over all my wasted days When all is said and done I’ll turn my feet and run Oh, what I’d give To hold what you anchor with To echo your confidence To mirror your circumstance I’ll take any second chance If you think I deserve one Or I’ll turn my feet and run Maybe I just can’t get over it Maybe I’m just meant to call it quits To turn my feet and run To turn my feet and run Maybe I just can’t get over it Hurting me in ways so permanent Maybe I’m just meant to call it quits To turn my feet and run Cruel as you could be To spite my name Never thought that I would share the blame Grieving over all my wasted days When all is said and done I’ll turn my feet and run
4.
Fairweather 03:41
I am my father's only breath held under water; Heard my mother's voice as I fought to try and swim. But all the weight I'm meant to carry, Becomes too much, And I'm forced to bury all the love I lost. I filled my lungs and held it in. You say, "Don't fear what hasn't happened yet", But I know the end. Give me a reason to believe in this; Make it worth all the time I spent in a deep haze. I hope you can push past the caution I take. And with sunken eyes so vacant, I know you'll see it in my face, When you compare me to the weather. Holding out for something better. I felt the ground beneath my feet decay and crumble. Guess I always knew you'd be back to humble me. 'Cause I'm just the dog you keep around when things get scary, Until it's all to much, and then you leave me in the street. You say you want a life unread, But I know the end. Don't ask me of what lies ahead - It's not your time just yet. My heart can't help a second chance; I wanna make amends. Naïve of me to betray the lines in my hands, When I know the end.
5.
Door Frame 03:24
I was hoping you’d stay for a while, my son To hear the stories of journeys And things that I’d done You’re barely old enough now To hear what I have to say I know that it doesn’t matter I know I can’t stay I was hoping I’d stay for a while, my dear To see the tics on the door frame Grow taller each year You sleep soundly still As the rain, it pours You won’t remember my face But I’ll cherish yours Maybe I’ll look back on this and laugh Let the past burn out And hope you welcome me back What is it I pay for losing track You see my face, like a mirror And hope you won’t end up like that I was hoping I’d stay for a while, my son But I can’t change the past I know what I’ve done I can see how you’ve aged And the hurt on your face I guess it’s easier To expect things to change You’ve got a daughter now Another chapter and page I hope she’s better now Then we were at her age I know you speak of me With a cautious reserve I can’t say I’m surprised It’s what I deserve Maybe I’ll look back on this and laugh Let the past burn out And hope you welcome me back What is it I pay for losing track You see my face, like a mirror And hope you won’t end up like Maybe I’ll keep distance like you asked Stray so far from the feeling That you might welcome me back Really, I just want the chance to say That I’ll hold you in my heart And I hope you can say the same
6.
I tuned it all out like the static That rang in my ears way back when The warmth of the hope, when I had it What I’d give to get that back again They’re saying that hell is a place for me But I’m convinced that I’ve already seen The worst that this life has to offer “It’s all god’s plan; a means to an end” I wanna feel love for myself again But the tides keep pulling me back Does life mean a thing When the truth can’t set you free I don’t want to die But I can’t live this life
7.
Immaculate perception I was born in the moment My image and my vision aligned Existence now questioned How can I speak my truth With their venomous tongues Tell me I'm the danger; tell me I'm the threat Tell me that you fear me And that I must accept A sentence vitriolic; violence consumed But maybe if I end it all The violence might break you Still my shaking hands before I have to write A testament to all of the nights Spent with tired eyes Dreams of a different life When will it find me here Not a man, not a woman But somewhere in the gray As the earth holds it's stories I cling to my decay A past pursued to please you I hide myself away from what I know to be true It's gonna kill me But I have to Overdose on the spite in me Hope it makes me feel something Count my days till I disappear Drown in the hate I harbor here Still my shaking hands before I have to write A testament to all of the nights Spent with tired eyes Dreams of a different life When will it find me here Still my shaking voice before I have to say A testament to you in your wake There’s no safety here When will it find me Pink and blue decorate the graves Of the ones that we couldn’t save I’ll remember you as you were A light they can’t capture But if the world could still see your face Could feel all this vacant space I swear I won’t forget you I’ll be damned if they try to There is no faith; there's no constant Virtue of patience; I've lost it It stays ever present in my mind No savior, no last rites No perfect place to die There’s no safety here When will it find me Brave in the face of your dead name “Find god”, and hope that you feel safe Pride with no compromise No savior, no last rites No perfect place to die

about

Grief Counseling is a record that I didn't know I needed until after I finished it.

The last year has been one of the most difficult I've ever had. Between starting HRT and now living as transfemme, my divorce from my husband of eight years, chronic health issues, and moving (again!), I have fought to make this album happen. I didn't know how fitting the record's name would be, but I'm glad I wrote these song. It has been a process of learning to love myself, despite the world around me being a dangerous place for a trans person. The songs on this album are deeply personal and heavily amplified by my journey in the last months, but I hope you find a common thread to pull them close to your heart.

This is for the trans community. Grief is not defeat. Let yourself feel, but do not forget to fight.
Thank you for being here, and being you.

- Keziah

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Released via Aural Alliance
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released September 29, 2023

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Everender Tucson, Arizona

2018 - forever.

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